I grew up in a household where getting fat was unacceptable. You become obsessed with weight, and when results aren’t apparent you generate different options. You get into a diet, you go to the gym; and when you live in a small town where their largest bathing suits don’t fit you, you generate second options. First bulimia. Then when that doesn’t work, cocaine. Then when you want  faster results, meth. I stayed with one choice; Bath Salt. It was legal, it sped up the process, and I ended up 110 pounds. I couldn’t go to jail for it and in my defense it was “better than meth.” 

Drugs surely sped up the process and the biggest excuse you have to continue using  is “how much weight am I going to gain?” 

What you really should be asking yourself is,

“What do I look like now?”

You’ve got no ass, no tits, you look sick, you smell like shit no matter how many showers you take, and you make no sense. You are unattractive as shit. Real Talk.

I was 110 pounds and 3 months later I was a wonderful 170.

Is it really wonderful? Fuck no. The only reason I gained that much weight is because my whole 110 pounds was due to using instead of eating; using after eating. Using while eating. Suppressed appetite sure, but god damn was I hungry after I slept for like a week straight. You learn how good food really is when you spend 2 years avoiding it. 

I see pictures of me getting skinnier and skinnier and a time where I wouldn’t take pictures at all. Now I run everyday. That’s called not making excuses to use. I watch what I eat, and make an effort to look healthy AND skinny; No one likes the profile image of society’s version of a “crackhead.” 

To all you women who are afraid of gaining weight, I can assure you you’re going to like yourself more when you have energy, when you look healthy, and when you smell wonderful. if you don’t respect yourself, no one is going to respect you. Cut most of your bullshit insecurities out of the picture and put that effort into being healthy for yourself. No one else but yourself. 

Once you stop doing drugs, you realize you lost more than just the people that mattered the most; your neurons, your ability to concentrate, your credit, your money, and most important your dignity. There’s only a selective few that will literally put up with your shit and it’s up to you to own up to your mistakes when you’re ready and admit fault. 

In a drug addict world you’re angry and you blame a lot of things on other people, god, the world, and  anyone but yourself because you’re too ashamed to look at yourself in the mirror without seeing how you became everything you said you wouldn’t. We all have different reasons to use and different fixes. It takes a strong person to put up the deuces and walk away. 

I’ll tell you one thing, it does get better. When you sit there and snort away your problems, the second you realize that all your problems are generated from snorting, there comes a time when the self respect kicks in. Of course by that time no one picks up their phone or answers your texts because you burnt all your bridges. I guess that’s when you realize that all you have is yourself and even though it’s a scary feeling, it also generates your credibility when you rise to the occasion and re construct your life.

Some people aren’t strong enough to walk away forever. Every time you give yourself excuses to use one more time it’s gambling the bridge you reconstructed; the faith people have in you, the respect you have for yourself, and really just gambling your future forever. 

I was addicted for 2 years, and now being sober, I couldn’t be happier. Maybe this will help a drug addict somewhere, or someone who was as lost as I was. Maybe it won’t. Welcome to my reconstruction. It’s going be a long ride.